TournEvents Blog

“Charity Event Cheaters”

By Topper Smith, topper@tournevents.com

I know from experience the vast majority of charity event golfers follow the rules.  I also believe the best things about golf are the honor and dignity by which we play the game.  Golf is one of the few things in life counted upon as an even playing field.  I was a true believer in the integrity of my competitors.  

Then, I played in a charity event with Bob and Harry who managed to taint which I held to be sacred.

They were charity event cheaters.

While names have been changed to protect the guilty, I am compelled to explain how far cheaters will go to win.  I was even warned to stay clear of the subject of cheating in charity events by many, but with prizes getting more extravagant it can’t be ignored by event planners.

If you call yourself a golfer, you likely have witnessed the basics of the cheater.  The foot wedge, the ball fluff, stroke yet no distance penalty, and the ten club hazard drop are all common methods of the general play cheater.  The common cheater will usually give you the courtesy of waiting until you turn your back before nudging their ball.  The charity event cheater is blatant in their craft. They collude with others and feel morally justified “to keep it fair because everybody cheats.”

Most charity events are a “scramble” format which usually means “mulligans” are involved as an effective method of raising revenue.  For the charity event cheater, the concept of the “mulligan” is the key to winning any event.  The cheater’s goal is to turn every mulligan into a team birdie.  This was confirmed when the cheater in charge proudly proclaimed “we’re already twenty under” on the first tee box.

Allow me to walk you through my day playing with charity event cheaters.

Keep in mind I was in a tough spot from a social perspective.  Being a friend to the many dedicated people supporting the charitable cause that day, I was caught in a trap probably experienced by many conscientious golfers.  While wondering how to deal with the situation, I decided to observe and note the wily methods of the charity event cheater.

Bob and Harry were obviously close friends.  They introduced themselves by name and handicap.  Before asking my name, they inquired if I had a single-digit handicap in the hopes of an easier and perhaps less questionable tournament victory.  They were pleased my cart partner and I weren’t beginners and had some experience playing scrambles.  Harry started off by saying how lucky we were to be assigned to the “winning team” and noted the grand prize of a set of golf clubs to each of the winners.  Bob followed with “we win these charity events all the time.”  We stood on our starting tee listening to their stories of all the charity bounty they have collected over the years.  Harry said “Why don’t you guys get us started while we finish our Bloody Mary’s.”

It was an inauspicious beginning with three tee shots in the trees and our best ball in the rough slightly blocked by a row of tall shrubs guarding the dog-legged hole.  While collecting our errant shots in the woods, we were laughing at the notion of intentionally hitting a draw to clear the tree line on our upcoming approach shot.  By the time we arrived to our chosen drive, the tee marker was sitting in the fairway with a clear shot to the pin.

In my partner’s innocence, he asked “Wasn’t the ball in the rough over there?” while pointing to an undesirable location of play.  Bob responded by stating “Yes, but our stances would have been in casual water and the rules of golf say we get a club length from the nearest point of relief.”  Harry attempted to rescue Bob by noting “It must have rained a lot around here the past week.  This whole golf course is casual water.”  Of course, we understood morning dew didn’t qualify as casual water. 

I decided it was a good time to make sure this behavior wouldn’t continue before our honor became tainted as cheaters along with Bob and Harry.  In order to shame them from further transgressions, I said “The event rules state we get a club length from the best ball and must place our ball on the same surface without being closer to the hole.”

Harry said “It isn’t closer as the crow flies and you can play in the mud is you prefer” moments before using his second mulligan to knock it fifteen feet from the stick.  We arrived at the green and huddled as a team to read the break.  After four futile attempts, Bob said “Let me try that putt again with a little more break this time.”  He proceeded to miss the putt again and told Harry to send the ball back for a third attempt.  Bob placed the ball a foot closer and smacked it toward the hole.  A few feet from the hole Bob screamed “Mulligan!” and began to pump his fist like Tiger Woods.

I glanced at my friend with a look wondering if Bob was kidding around with us.  My friend whispered “I think he’s counting it.”  I looked at Bob and Harry and asked them to keep the official scorecard so we could disappear when the score needed to be attested.

Having made an attempt to get Bob and Harry to play it straight early in the round, I felt there wasn’t much more I could say without an uncomfortable, direct accusation of cheating.  Besides, this was a rare opportunity to discover why four marginal golfers can shoot a 54 in a scramble when none of them can break 100 on their own.  I’ve been pondering that for years.

After six holes, Bob and Harry were out of mulligans – at least by my count.  We pulled up to a long par 5 and Harry said “an eagle here is a shot on the field.”  After a good drive, we stood 265 yards from the pin.  In unison and without discussion, Bob and Harry reached for their drivers and I sat wondering how they could possibly use a driver with such a tight fairway lie.  Bob chewed up the fairway turf with a few mighty practice swings and Harry walked forward to fetch the mangled grass.  I remember thinking “at least they fix their divots” only to watch Bob create a mountainous “grass” tee and place his golf ball securely on top.  Bob knocked it on the green and I think I saw Harry write a “3” on the scorecard after they were through congratulating themselves.

By the end of the round, I counted seven violations of the rules of golf.  The final tally of mulligans had Bob using 11 while Harry whacked an extra four shots beyond his limit.  To my horror, we beat everyone by three shots.  Bob and Harry toasted their victory and couldn’t wait to try their new clubs. 

I quietly worked out a plan with my friend to graciously offer the clubs back to the charity.  Even that seemed wrong as people would incorrectly mistake our gesture as generous.

As we enjoyed bar beverages, I looked at Bob and Harry and said “We took a few liberties out there, don’t you think?”  Bob said “No more than anyone else does.  Everybody cheats in these events.  Harry and I have been playing in these charity events together for years and got tired of watching cheaters win.”  Harry added “What’s the big deal?  My company is the title sponsor so we basically bought the clubs anyway.  By the way, we’re playing some dead guy memorial event tomorrow with first prize being an all-expenses paid trip to Las Vegas.  You guys want to play with us?”